And the proverbial flood gates open. I really thought I was okay ::points down to earlier post:: after my freaking out episode a couple days ago. It was “out of my system,” and I was NOT going to cry again. Uh, yeah right, self. I am a total basket case. I bought six bottles of wine on the way home (not all for today, but I needed to stockpile) and cracked open one while DH and I were discussing dinner plans. One glass is all that it took to turn me into a sobbing, hysterical mess. I couldn’t stop. He kept telling me to cheer up and that it will work soon, but I just don’t know if I believe that.
I am so frustrated with all of this. I hate PCOS; I should be pregnant instead of dealing with regulating my stupid body. There are so many other girls I know both online and IRL that should be pregnant, too. But we’re not. I need some sort of hope to keep me going right now. I have no idea how people can push through and do this for years, and my heart aches for those women and their husbands. This is our last Clomid cycle before an RE referral. While I know that going to an RE would be great because they are so much more specialized, it sucks because our insurance covers NOTHING infertility related. We would be totally out of pocket. Our first big expense is going to be this month’s HSG. It will probably be the end of next week, and I hate to spend so much hard-earned money on something painful and scary. I know it’s the first major step, though, and has to be done. Hopefully it will be worth it and give us some peace of mind. A small part of me wants to wave the white flag and quit, but the majority wants to be a mother more than words can say and will never stop until I am holding a baby in my arms.
I know this post probably seems over-dramatic, but I don’t care because it’s how I feel right now. And it’s my blog so I can say what I want!