I HATE TTC. With the fire of a thousand suns, I loathe it. I feel like I am in a constant state of panic, and it’s literally all that I can think about. My temp dropped some today, it’s looking like it normally does: great until about 7 dpo, drop, rise, drop again, then AF. The cramps started last night, and I am an emotional basket case. Knowing that my emotional insanity is due to PMS, sent me that much more over the edge. I can’t stop crying. I feel like this is never going to happen. This is our 5th month of fertility treatments (if you count Met as a fertility drug, which I kind of do since it made me o) and I can’t help feeling more hopeless everyday. We can’t do a thing further with the RE until our house sells, which is not looking very promising.
I have been reading “The Purpose Driven Life” to help myself, and the night before last, the entry was about every problem having a purpose. That God puts us through hardship to teach us/ improve us/ help us grow. God, I am done growing/ learning what it’s like to be infertile. I get that I need to be more patient and more faithful, but month after month of this crap has made me the complete opposite, and I don’t like what I am becoming.
What makes me feel even worse is how stupid hopeful I was this time. I haven’t worked out in five days. Why? I didn’t want to “shake something loose” doing a vigorous workout. I know I wouldn’t even if I was pg, but it was a mental thing. So stupid. I can assure you, I will be doing the Shred today. Screw running my life around an imaginary baby that will probably never be real. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. DH is the one thing holding me together right now. I am so thankful to have such an amazing husband.
ETA: Sorry for this psycho downer post today. I am sure this too shall pass, but it’s just one of those days. Thankfully, I have some amazing IRL and internet friends that help me feel better in moments like this!
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