I have been wanting to write this post for a while, but didn’t really know where to start. I know a lot of the ladies that follow my blog are either suffering through the supreme crappiness of IF or have dealt with it previously. Infertility, I have discovered, is something that never leaves you, even after you see a positive pregnancy test. I want to clarify that I am in no way discounting this pregnancy or how incredibly blessed I am to have achieved it. I merely want to make a PSA of sorts to let people know that IF is not a passing affliction.
Anyone that has dealt with IF will tell you that dealing with the emotions surrounding trying to get pregnant are far worse than any physical pain/ testing you have to endure. You start to feel completely hopeless, especially when you get a diagnosis that solidifies the fears you already had, that yes, you are dealing with something that could keep you from ever being a parent. I will never forget the day we were told we needed to go straight to IVF. That was one of the most hopeless, miserable days of my life thus far. I cried hysterically all day long, knowing that we could never afford to pay for it OOP and that it would take years to be able to save up for just one shot. It is a horrendous feeling.
I will never be one of those women that forgets what it is like to deal with IF, and I don’t understand those that can forget so easily. I still deal with the scars that IF left on me daily. I swear that it robbed me of ever feeling carefree and relaxed about pregnancy. When you spend months or years panicked that you will never get pregnant, when you finally do, trust me that the fear does not stop: it’s just transferred to another subject. From the second I found out I was pregnant, I was stressed to the max worrying about every single step of the way. I was terrified it would be taken away from me. You are really robbed of all feelings of contentment and relaxation. I don’t know about you guys, but before I got pregnant, I started to question myself wondering why we had to deal with these infertility issues. Of course, I started to blame myself. Maybe I was being punished for being a bad person and I deserved all of it. I think it’s impossible not to wonder “why me?” at some point.
To this day, I still feel a stab of jealousy when I see a pregnant woman. Isn’t that bizarre? I know in my head that I am pregnant, but I guess my heart still feels the wounds of IF, and momentarily I forget what’s real. I am so grateful for this pregnancy, and I think that part of being grateful is never forgetting how we got here. The rough journey makes me appreciate the success that much more. For all of you ladies still dealing with the pain and worry of IF, you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope you get your baby soon.
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