Objective: Find swimsuit that makes me look neither 1) Frumpy 2) Lumpy 3) Clueless about the state of my postpartum body.
Scene of the crime: Every single store within city limits that sells swimwear (and some that sell vodka)
When: Friday. For TWO AND A HALF HOURS. ::gags::
Victims: Knox and my poor saint of a mother
Result: A hole, burned straight through my wallet, as well as supreme mental exhaustion and the strong desire to run 45 miles.
Well, y’all… that sucked a lot. What began as a lunch break shopping excursion turned into a marathon of disastrous proportions. I swear, something about a swimsuit highlights every single negative feature on your body. I knew going into this that the old standby triangle top bikini was not going to cut it. My boobs are bigger, change sizes throughout the day and are covered in pink stretchmarks that radiate outward from my nipples like a sunshine from Hades, so I need more coverage than two miniscule swatches of fabric. I really didn’t want a tankini because my stomach is still fairly flat, the linea negra is *almost* history and my side stretch marks are fading, so I think a little sun will render them invisible (at least I’m going to pretend I can’t see them). I figured I could wear a more structured two piece. Ha. HA. HAH. Self, you are a moron for thinking this would be an easy task.
I probably tried on 15 bathing suits, and each one made me feel more saggy than the last. It is amazing what having a baby does to you. When I wear clothes, I feel pretty good about how my body looks, but this is a whole different ball game. I think I look worse in bathing suits than I do totally naked. Seriously. Thankfully my husband still thinks I look good naked and tells me so often. Bless him.
Anyway, after trying on a ridiculous amount of lycra or spandex or whatever the heck these things are made of, I FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING that looked decent at Belk. The bottoms are a fold-over looking bikini thingy (very technical terminology is used ’round here) and the top is kind of bandeau-ish, but with support and structure so it doesn’t give you that skinny mono-boob look. My mom loved a tankini top I tried on with those bottoms, but I don’t think I am mentally ready to give up bikinis yet, although life would have been easier if I were. I’m just masochistic like that. Anyway, here is what I got because I know my descriptions leave much to be desired:
By the time I tried on something that actually made me feel pretty good, I was ready to get out of there. I was then hit with sticker shock at the register. My 40% bathing suit was still $83. I’m sorry, but that is dumb. I know my mouth fell open because I am WAY too cheap to spend that much money on a bathing suit, but at that point, I could not handle starting over, so I decided that my sanity was totally worth $83 and bought it. I will be wearing it for the next five years. Unless we have another baby, then I am going to be wearing something else… think: 1920′s style suit with sleeves and a bonnet.
Throughout this expedition, Knox was a perfect angel. My mom showed him a Playskool glow worm at Target (our first stop) and he fell madly in love with it and spent the rest of the afternoon cooing at it and making out with it. He was really just nomming on its face, but it totally looked like kissing and was very cute.
Pool attire aside, I am very excited about leaving for Florida on Friday! I need a vacation most desperately. Our last real vacation was our honeymoon two years ago. I won’t be able to sleep in because my child hates sleep lately, but you know… at least my mom can babysit him while I take a good nap! And I can’t wait to put him in his turtle swim outfit and let him “swim” in the pool with us. I am so looking forward to spending quality time with he and Trevor (and the rest of the crowd) in a relaxing environment!
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