Guilt

I don’t think I have ever felt so badly about something: I yelled at Knox last night. My sweet, innocent little squirt, who had no idea he was irritating the piss out of me. He had been extremely ornery all day long, whining and “Ehh!!!”-ing constantly, and by the time I got home and was sitting down to eat dinner, my patience was at a breaking point. I went to nurse him and he started arching his back and yelling “EEHHH!” I snapped. I told him to shut up. I seriously regretted it the second it left my mouth. He looked up at me, obviously unfazed, like I was a lunatic. And in that moment, I was one. Then Trevor was mad at me for yelling at him, which made me feel ever worse than I already did. I cried sitting there holding him because I was so unnecessarily mean to him- it just killed me to think about it. Why did I take out my frustrations over a crappy day on the one little person that deserved it the least? This morning, I still feel awful. Knox obviously doesn’t remember, happily grinning at me while eating and spitting bananas all over me, but I remember. And I am completely guilt-ridden over it.

What’s worse is that our work life is getting busier at the same time Knox is becoming more high-maintenance, and by the time I get home, I feel like taking a swig of vodka and going to sleep. Of course, that’s not exactly a possibility, but I feel like I am worn so thin, I can’t stand it. I hate getting so frustrated with him when he doesn’t even have a clue of what’s going on, but some days, I feel like I can’t do everything all day long. It was just one of those days. I think about maternity leave sometimes, and how awesome it was. I wish so hard I could afford to stay home with him because I know it’s not him that’s making me feel this way- it’s everything else.

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13 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. And they call it puppy love

    Awww so sorry everything is so busy for you at work. I can't imagine trying to take care of a baby in my office.

    I was so tired last night that when my son woke up after only being asleep for 2 hours, I just plopped him in the bed with me and I slept in the dress I wore to work! You are not alone!

    Reply
  2. Once Upon A Time

    Every mom loses her patience with her babies at some point. Don't beat yourself up too much about it! There won't be any long lasting damage. :)

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  3. Kerri

    I had a moment like that with Camden in the middle of the night one night while we were doing sleep training. That's one of the reasons why I DO NOT want to have to do sleep training again- it made us both miserable. Having said that, don't beat yourself up over the guilt. Every mom has those kinds of days, whether or not they want to admit it. Knox still loves you to pieces.

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  4. Megan

    I've done it too, yelled at Connor and he reacts the same as Knox – looks at me like I'm nuts and then moves on. I feel terrible about it but I know it happens to every mom, especially in times of high stress. You, Mama, are brave and amazing for posting about this when others – myself included – are too afraid to.

    I can't imagine working and trying to care for my baby at the same time. It's like TWO full-time jobs wrapped into one. Is there any way you can find daycare or a nanny to watch him even a few days a week? I return to work 20 hours a week on 8/4 – a week from today – and I'm totally dreading it and am going to be a blubbering mess, but there are lots of kids for Connor to socialize with and learn those valuable skills, and teachers who care for him who are equipped to entertain him in ways I can't even think of. In the long run I hope it's good for all of us – I'll crank out my 20 hours of work and get to spend the rest of my time with my boy. Maybe a few days a week with a sitter so you can work, and the other days with you? Hang in there!

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  5. Kandi

    awwww don't feel too badly. it happens. when my daughter was 6 months old i started school full time (19hrs/wk) and working almost full time (35-40hrs/wk) and it was terrible. i was the worst mom ever, i'm sure. :( i had zero time. but she was so small she doesn't remember it, and while i felt very guilty ALL THE TIME… it was better for us in the end. maybe you need to take a day off and just spend it pampering yourself and spending time with your little man. <3 i hope today is better!

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  6. Jenn

    Wow, I feel like I could have written this exact post (just changing the names). I think it happens to all moms, but knowing that doesn't make you feel better about losing your cool. Just know that Knox, like my little girl, probably gets more of a kick out of your different tone than he is phased by your bad mood. At least, that's how my little girl responds on the occasion that I give her a terse 'stop it!' while trying to reswaddle her for the 12th time in the middle of the night!

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  7. Sarah

    Hi Jessica! I wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog about the white vinegar – I'll definitely give it a try!!

    Your sentiments in this post about working are the ones that I already have, and I don't even have a child yet. Whenever my husband and I discuss it, it's always in the back of my mind… will I work vs. not work, and with already knowing the amount of time and mental effort that goes into my job now, I can't imagine coming home to take care of one baby, let alone more in the future. I know people are all about equality in the workplace, etc. – but I for one think it's way too hard on new moms.

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  8. Krista

    Been there done that, I hate to say it but I have done it moer than once. I always cry and I apologize to him right after I yell but I still feel terrible. Of course Parker has no idea what I am talking about and my tantrum doesn't make him stop whining. I wish I was able to afford to stay home with Parker also but in this economy it is just impossible.

    I hope you'll feel better and not beat yourself up over it, he still loves you more than anything!

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  9. SweetPea

    I'm going through that right now. Emilia is just being so hard and Mr. Pea is out of town and I'm at work all day and when I get home I'm exhausted (not to mention crabby and in pain thanks to the pregnancy). And the last thing I want to do is be yelled at and hit by my toddler who I love.

    But that's what happens, and I lost my patience and then I feel like a failure of a mother. But I'm not a failure or a bad mother and neither are you. Sometimes you react out of anger and yell at the person you love the most. He will forgive you as will your husband. Now you have to forgive yourself!

    Reply
  10. Tractor Mom

    It doesn't get easier but it does get more bareable. All these feelings just show that you are a good moma! We all get them. There will be other times when you will lose your cool with your kids, it is just part of the terriorty. But let them know you love them and talk to them about why you get frustrated. They will understand and hopefully will not need years of therapy!! Enjoy these years…

    Come by when you can…

    http://www.frugaltractormom.blogspot.com

    Reply
  11. Ashlet

    Maybe look into daycare, or a Nanny. I can't imagine both working and watching him. It's too hard on you!

    Reply
  12. Erica

    This happens to us all a few times. And we all feel horrible about it. But you have to remember that your baby loves you no matter what…and just make a vow to yourself to keep the emotions in check (or go stuff your head in a pillow and scream as loudly as you can)….keep your chin up!

    Reply

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