After the great breakdown that was known as “yesterday,” I was kind of a mess. I had half-way convinced myself just to drop everything this semester. What was I thinking, taking on such a tough thing amidst pregnancy, raising a one year-old and working? I mean, had I lost my mind completely? I was starting to doubt every single thing I had convinced myself of thus far. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be doing seminary. Maybe I was forcing the issue. Maybe this was a huge mistake. I sat there, stewing in my self-doubt, worried that God would be disappointed in me, worried that everyone I knew would look at me as a big quitter and worried that I would regret this decision later.
Then I got home. I opened the mailbox, and what do you know, there sat a letter. I don’t think I mentioned here before, but I ended up getting a $400 scholarship from my church, even though I never heard anything back from them on that particular scholarship application. They randomly just sent me a check a few weeks ago. However, I had never heard anything else from the other scholarship that had seemed so promising. Well, I opened that letter which read something like this:
We are pleased to inform you that you have been awarded a $1,000.00 scholarship by our selection team. You are super awesome and should really stop freaking out so much ALL THE TIME. Thanks!
- Scholarship People
Okay, so maybe I made up the latter half of that letter, but the first part is accurate. I don’t know about you guys, but I am starting to think that God speaks to me via the US Postal Service.
Basically, I took this as a sign that I should chill out and try things out. I figure that I can at least attempt this first week’s work and see if I can get it done. The final drop day is August 30, so I have until then to fully make up my mind before I forfeit all of my money. The good news is, I now have a full scholarship for this semester, so we have zero financial obligation for this course. That, my friends, is very nice. I do feel much better today, although I still have a TON of work to finish in the coming days.
If, by chance, I can’t make it work, that’s okay. I will revisit seminary at another time when I am not full of pregnancy hormones that make me a psychopathic ball ‘o stress. Hopefully, though, I can get it together and make it work. It’s like Trevor told me last night, it doesn’t matter that I don’t know my end result, yet- regardless of whether I end up finishing seminary or becoming a pastor or whatever, I will never regret knowing more about the Bible and about God. This class will deepen my relationship with Him, and that is never a bad thing. He’s a smart one, that Trevor. Sometimes, husbands are good for advice. Other times, they’re good for making a mess. Always, they’re good for crying to and wiping your snotty face on their shoulder. So there you have it: I’m going to try not to destroy my previous academic record by failing this class, but I’m going to take it day by day and not freak out. Much.
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