I’m struggling right now. Things are definitely not all sunshine and roses in my head at the moment. When I went to the OB the other day, I really was feeling better, mentally. I think that’s because we had a few really good days and things seemed to be improving. While I think that things are getting better, albeit slowly, we still have some rough moments. This is normal with a newborn- they’re not going to be happy every second of the day! What’s not normal is how I feel when we’re having a bad day.
Yesterday entailed a lot of screaming- I tried going back to nursing on-demand, but apparently Brody didn’t get the memo that you can’t overfeed a breastfed baby… because that kid overeats like nothing I’ve ever seen! He makes himself absolutely miserable, so I’ve realized that nursing on-demand is NOT going to happen right now, hopefully when he’s older, but not for now. While he is screaming, it’s all I can do to keep myself from screaming, too. I seriously feel bi-polar. When he’s happy, I’m fine, but when he’s having a bad day, I feel myself crumbling from the inside out. It’s like I don’t know how to cope with any kind of stress at all, anymore. Last night, I started to itch so bad, it felt like I was breaking out in hives while he was crying.
I haven’t gone into detail here about the things I’ve felt or thought because, honestly, I’m pretty horrified and embarrassed at the way my mind is working right now. It’s not me. This is why I’ve put a call in to my doctor to talk about getting on some medicine to help. I don’t know if it’s postpartum anxiety, or what my actual “diagnosis” is, but I do know that it has to stop. When he is screaming, I can’t think straight. My first thought is that I’ve made a horrible mistake. Then, that I’ve ruined Knox’s life. That things will never be back to “normal” again. That I don’t want to deal with this. That I want to give him to someone else to hold and deal with. That I wish he’d just shut up, already. That I don’t even want to breast feed anymore. That I’d rather switch to formula so he isn’t rooting all over me all the time. That I want to be alone. That I want to run away to somewhere quiet. That I’d really love a couple glasses of wine. That I want my old life back. That I’m a horrible mother. That I’m a horrible person. That there is something very, very wrong with me. That this baby doesn’t deserve a psycho for a mother. That I want myself back.
That I am done feeling this way.
I seriously feel like I am a different person, someone that I do not know or care to know. This is so different from my last newborn experience. I was so happy then- I enjoyed everything, of course I got stressed sometimes, but it didn’t break me. I didn’t feel like I was drowning in mothering- I loved being Knox’s mom. I wanted to do everything perfect and right. This time, I just want to survive this. I know that if I can get back to being myself again, I’ll feel the same way about mothering Brody, too. He deserves to have the same mom that Knox had- it’s so unfair to him, and the guilt I feel is overwhelming. I feel like he has really been cheated out of having a good mom. Trevor swears that I am doing everything the same for him, but I don’t feel the same. Where am I right now? I have got to find myself again so that he can have me back. So that my family can have me back. So that I can have me back. Thank goodness I do have good days amidst these horrible ones, so I know that “I” am still in there somewhere.
I’m waffling on even publishing this post because I am so appalled at the way I feel about myself right now. I keep saving the draft and “x”ing out of this screen. I wish that so many people I know “in real life” didn’t read this blog. I am afraid of being judged and seen differently because I know that this IS NOT ME! I feel weak and like a total failure as a mother and as a person. I hate it. I know this is all hormonal, that I haven’t transformed into some monstrous person, but it’s hard not to feel that way in the moment. I pray that this feeling goes away soon because I need to feel normal again. I would really appreciate any prayers you could send our way!
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